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Hold the line. My 3 year old relationship ended

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation — Graham Greene

What goes up must come down. I had a good run this week: thousands of page views on my blog and quiz; got 200+ fans on Facebook page; amazing people approached me, we exchanged a lot of messages. I am really thankful for all your support. The psychedelic community is the best.

On my Instagram page, I shared terrible news, my girlfriend dumped me today. I can’t be mad at her, haven’t been the best boyfriend lately, had better weeks when I was really caring, but that always lasted only for a while. Then an anxiety was hitting me hard, sending me into a spiral. It has to be hard to share life with someone with mental disorder: constant mood swings, irritability, PTSD triggers. When I felt tense, I tried to avoid her. I didn’t want to be the guy who screams at his sweetheart.

Probably weeks will pass before I feel normal again. Hard to tell, it was my first girlfriend. Maybe I will never get over her. She meant a world to me. I once said to her when she asked if I love her.

“I don’t know what love is exactly, but know one thing for sure. Honey, from all the things in the world, I hate you the least.”

It sounds twisted, but that’s true. My parents didn’t love me, I was outcast in school. I never learned how to love and how to be intimate. It’s a skill that needs to be developed. Loving yourself should come first. We started dating when I was 27, she already had experience in relationships even though she was younger.

Was she the love of my life? Time will tell. Hard to lose someone so special, but she wasn’t happy with me anymore. She grew as a woman, she needed a real partner. The guy so chaotic and broken isn’t the wise choice. I tried to fight for her, but that wouldn’t be okay, it would be selfish. Like in Passenger song, if you love her, let her go.

**

Ex-honey, when I lost my job in December, I felt that you could be next. You were convincing me that it won’t happen, you will stand by me no matter what. People say those things in a relationship, would be weird if they didn’t. I don’t hold any grudge about this whole situation. Now we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, just ex-lovers. Friends are playing in the background (this show always helps me in tough times). I am wiping tears out of my cheeks constantly.

**

These all bring up so many memories…

Before our first Valentine’s Day, I created a web diary of how our love story began. I wrote every day, describing some memorable events. The climax happened on 14th, with an account of how I fell in love with you. This was the sweetest thing I have ever done to someone.

There was also one sad fragment in the diary. I shared my anxiety that we won’t make it. Here goes the loose translation from my native language.

**

Ten years later, I pass you by on the street. Children and husband are beside you, the beautiful black dress fits your body perfectly. You are so goddamn happy. I have to confess that I was spying on you a bit on business websites. You’re the master of making beautiful designs. I have lately read an interview with you, how you are coming up with graphics. You exchange a glance with me, feeling rushes through your body that you saw that beard somewhere. This beard is now grey and looks like someone took all color out of it using Photoshop.

**

I believe in lyrics from Toto — Hold the line, love isn’t always on time. My next love is probably not waiting just around the corner. I will focus on myself to grow and to be ready for the future relationship.

You are free now. As I said during our breakup, I wish you all the best. You are a fantastic person, you brought a lot of good in my life. Before, I couldn’t even hope that someone will love me, thanks for confidence. A tremendous journey having you by my side ended today. Become the woman you always wanted to be, succeed in your career, find a new caring boyfriend. I know I said it to you a million times. You will be an amazing mother — your heart is filled with so much love.

Best regards,

PTSD Engineer

Originally published at http://realptsdengineer.com on June 21, 2020.


Hold the line. My 3 year old relationship ended was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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